I started writing a blog on word press in 2018, a creative outlet for me to write about spirituality, reiki, the moon cycles and more recently about my health. Writing makes me happy, it’s helping me on my healing journey. I believe with all my heart that we heal from within. It’s not an easy process and being vulnerable can feel raw but it’s also empowering.
The things we need to heal can often be hidden, sometimes so deep down we don’t know they are there. Healing is a hard process, I’ve found through chakra balancing and reiki that it’s our emotions, which become stuck in our energy field. When this happens and our energy system doesn’t flow we develop physical and psychological illness or dis-ease. I often pick up on emotions during a Reiki healing session with a client.
I can only speak about my own journey, but ultimately shinning light on this, being open and working through it rather than ignoring it, is a massive step forward for me. In his book, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel Van Der Klok states we hold trauma in our bodies. I believe this extends to any illness. I also believe when we experience loss of any kind we go through a grieving process. This has been my experience.
I remember when I wrote my first post I felt really silly, scared and doubtful and I had the biggest dose of imposter syndrome. However I did it anyway and I pushed through my fear and I can say honestly say it’s definitely helped me. I generally write about what comes to me intuitively and authentically as possible, I want to be as real as I can be. I also hope I can help others.
I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition called Graves Disease in early 2018. An autoimmune condition, resulting with your immune system attacking itself, more generally attacking the thyroid and eyes. The antibodies speed up the thyroid and mine became overactive. I had varying symptoms, a pounding chest, sweating, pain and extreme fatigue, insomnia, mood swings, tight throat.
My life changed dramatically, the emotional impact was the hardest to bare. I started medication (I felt worse while taking medication).I found a forum on a health blog for advice and support. I found a friend who I could talk to about Graves, my bloods and symptoms. I think back to the time I was diagnosed with graves. I physically couldn’t get up I felt so exhausted at times. She told me you’ll start to have good days, maybe one, then two or three, you’ll have to rest because you’ll be exhausted but the good days will start to increase and before you know it each day will be good. I know I can’t expect to be happy all of the time. I realised this week that her advice also applies to PTSD too. I can ride the waves of grief and sadness with self compassion and kindness.
I cried everyday for 2 months, I felt so ill and I was in shock. I felt broken, I thought that my body reacted to the stress from a court case; and I had made myself ill. I was physically, emotionally burn out and vulnerable; I just couldn't stop crying. A couple of months after I was diagnosed with PTSD due to being in a horrendously dangerous situation in Israel this was hidden and erupted & triggered over 20 years later by a previous job role, working with asylum seekers. I’m not ready to discuss this yet. Again I felt broken and so so raw but I do know that I’m not. It’s part of me yes but it’s not all of me.
On reflection, I don’t think I made myself ill. I needed to stop, review and change direction. I wanted to work with spirit, read tarot for people and offer reiki. I didn’t know how I’d reach an audience or how I’d start my business. I slowly starting listening to my intuition and I wrote affirmations, posted daily cards. I did lots of readings. I started to trust and surrender that I would be doing this. I’ve also tried to bury my trauma but now it’s bang in my face and I can’t avoid it I can surrender and go through it.
“Surrender isn’t the same as giving up and wishing.
Surrender isn’t not taking action.
Surrender is leaping and trusting that your net will appear.”Amy Rushworth
I researched the hell our of my condition, looking at ways to heal from within. I was prescribed carbazimol a strong medication to bring my thyroid levels in range. However I knew that to find a true balance within our bodies I needed to look within and start to heal. I feel graves in my Throat Chakra, PTSD in my solar plexus and heart chakra.
Things have changed and recently I’m having familiar symptoms, the most severe is my increasing heart rate, the highest was 198.
My conditions are unseen, I may look fine from the outside, or smile because for that day I don’t want to show how bad it can be but it’s a serious autoimmune condition. PTSD is a serious condition. I have to battle it everyday. I’ve had my bloods taken and I’m in range, but it doesn’t account for these symptoms. I still feel very drained, high anxiety, sleep problems but I’m trying everyday to move forward, one tiny step at a time. If I take 4 steps back then that’s ok.
This can vary greatly
My health and mental health issues, while the hardest I’ve had to deal with were also a catalyst to starting my deep healing journey.
I started to listen.
I started to pay attention to my body.
I started to reflect, release and let go.
I’m more aware.
More recently I’ve started to develop better boundaries and if that means I prioritise myself then that’s ok. (I’m a big people pleaser). I don’t want to pretend I’m all ok when sometimes I not. It’s exhausting
This is the first step of the journey and is always different for everyone.
While I’m at the beginning of my recovery I feel, it is a life long journey of healing. For me it is Healing from Within.
“At the core of recovery is self-awareness”Bessel Van Der Klok