Depression or deep sadness? For me it’s the same, it is a lonely condition and contradictory too. However after more than one episode you know what to expect.
What triggered this season of sadness? feeling trapped, and locked away as you were on that horrible night.
You isolate yourself because you have no energy, you want to see people but cant leave the house. Yet this ironically is when you need others the most.
It takes all your strength to get up, to clean wash or change. You feel selfish, guilty but your so cut off from yourself unable to feel anything other that guilt that you recoil further.
You may not contact people but you still care and love them. You cancel dates, get togethers, events, nights out, trips, holidays, because you just don’t have the energy to put on a brave face or a big smile, you don’t want to bring others down.
You think your sadness is contagious. You know it isn’t…
You feel a burden, you feel guilty for staying in bed because it’s a safe cocoon. Your self care drops out the window. Sometimes you just can’t feel anything but numbness.
You wonder why your so tired? All of the heaviness is exhausting
You may portray a different view to the world, in an attempt to basque in the light, in the warmth.
You heal others, but you still feel your own sadness. You hope if you heal others it will help you and it’s a distraction. A healing journey is ever evolving and growing. You reach a plateau then you need more. You realise you don’t suddenly wake up and you have your shit together.
Then you go deeper and acknowledge this is It’s ok to fall apart, and put yourself back together. It’s ok to say “it’s not too great right now”. It takes courage to be open.
To quote Rumi, “You can’t mend something that is not broken! To be healed, you need to fall ill”.Rumi
You feel broken yet you know deep down your not broken or in need of fixing. Your going through the sadness. While the quote refers to illness, yes depression is an illness but it’s not all of you. It’s part of you, the part suffering sadness but you are not sadness. It’s just like you have dark hair and freckles it’s part of your makeup.
You are not your sadness,
And then as though a light switch goes on in a gloomy room you come through the shadows to the sunlight.
This year I picked a word of affirmation, I landed on trust. Trust my journey, trust my feelings, trust my path, trust the deep dive of sadness will open up into a different level of gratitude and understanding.
Trust you are healing what needs to be healed.
You are courageous
You are safe
You are loved
✨Courage to show vulnerability, to face the sadness and heal, to feel the feelings. The good the bad the ugly and the in between. ✨
Thank you for reading, it’s gloomy but sometimes even the gloominess needs to be shown the light. x