Elizabeth kubler-Ross developed a theory about grief and grieving, she applied this theory with patients who were terminal ill. However, Kubler-Ross model can be applied when you experience any kind of loss. I have used this to help me work through my diagnosis of Graves’ disease. I was devastated when I was diagnosed, initially, I thought I’d made myself ill, I didn’t know much about the disease. I was given a diagnosis, given pills and sent on my way.
I’m not quite at the acceptance stage yet and I bounce about between stages. I feel angry, at the disease at myself, frustrated I can’t do too much because I’ll be exhausted the next day, I cry and think why the fucking hell. Then I skip to denial I think no I’m totally ok when I’m not.
If you suffer from illness and the person you used to be has changed, you grieve for them, for you. When the negative voice is overwhelming praising yourself for the simple things goes along way to helping shut down the anxiety beast. It helps lift your mood
This year has been hard and as I wrote in Shards of glass.
I have a big interest in the tarot and podcasts, I listen to Lindsey Mack, Tarot for the wild soul she teaches tarot and she uses her analysis to cover many topics and to heal her trauma. In one of her podcasts she discusses this Process of letting go and grieving for yourself. She chose the hangman card, this card is illustrated by a man hanging upside down by one foot from a tree. According to Buddy Tarot it is a card of surrender, letting go. The Hang man, is asking you to view the world from a different perspective, turn things upside down. Release, change your thoughts that no longer serve you.
Another perspective for the hangman tarot card encompasses for me, releasing a person or facing and working on our shadow self which is rooted in our ego.
The journey or the full experience of ego death is death and can be used to interpret feelings of letting go, processing through letting go of yourself and at the end you have awareness. For me, I’ve haven’t felt truly peaceful for a long time.
However I have been fighting against myself, it’s been hard to process clearing through and accepting in my case an illness you are completing a cycle and a change. We all like to move, to get on, action. However sometimes the inaction is the way, that is scary and when we want to cry out in frustration.
According to Gabriel Bernstein, the universe has your back you can choose fear or love. For me they are polar opposites. Fear is so hard but fear if not resolved can lead to anger. I’ve been there, but more from a deep hurt than anger asking why?
As I read further Bernstein raises a very succulent point. How can you choose these polar opposites if your life is in chaos, extreme poverty, or war or emotional hardship. All valid questions but for me yes I have roof over my head, and I have food on my table, but I struggle, I’ve had to fight and my body can’t take much more.
Everyone’s battle, or demons are individual to them. Bernstein goes into state examples of perseverance for example Elie Wiesel a holocaust survivor who became a amazing voice, writing about his experience. For me, Nelson Mandela channelled his experiences to help free others and South Africa. Many activists, writers, healers, use their own situation and choose to work through it, persevere to help others from a loving place. She states fear would lead to destructiveness and death.
“Fear turns to hate, hate turns to anger and anger turn to the dark side” Yoda
This chapter really hit home for me. I don’t want to swim in muddy waters. Yes I have more work to do but I want to rise up and work through the stages listed above and find acceptance. I am however inspired by these stories they illustrate how darkness can be turned into light.
On the other side of this I also think it’s important to reflect upon what you have achieved too, and acknowledge how strong you are. The following Bernstein (2016) Lesson 21 of A course in miracles, “I am responsible for what I see” really hit home and I started to think how I view situations because it’s pertinent to me.
This lesson reinforces the idea that our projection is our perception… the course emphasises that what we perceive is based solely on our interpretations. For instance… we can perceive a negative health diagnosis with complete terror or a chance to slow down and truly start embracing each moment with gratitude. No matter how dire the circumstances, we can choose to perceive with love or with fear Gabriel Bernstein
She goes onto state that we won’t and may not want to make radical changes or be able to. We may not want to lead a movement and change the world but we can choose to shift our perception in our daily lives and go with love. We can choose to feel grateful for our loving children, family, career or whatever you have in your life. You can choose to change your mindset, move more slowly, acknowledge that an change that is trust on you is a chance to learn. To slow down, listen, change direction. We can choose to practice gratitude and be thankful. We can choose to make small changes and shifts in our life. These are part of the journey towards acceptance.
If you suffer from illness and the person you used to be has changed, you grieve for them. When the negative voice is overwhelming praising yourself for the simple things is a step forward and helps shut down the anxiety beast. It helps lift your mood
For the last 17 years I’ve had child, stress from a dad who didn’t want to be involved, I studied, broken down, worked studied, relationships, blocked out from relationships, studied, stood up for myself in court. I’ve not stopped and now I have no choice but to stop i was driven and my son drove me, I never praised myself though.
Now I am healing my physical illness through lots of inner work, it’s a daily journey. I have accepted that this is me now and I can’t be the person I was before. I accept that there is a blessing in this, I’ve been guided to different choices and awakened many different areas of my life. It isn’t an easy process it takes work, lots of work. However the benefits are amazing believe me. Keep pushing on, moving forward. 💖